I Piss Red I Shit White I Bleed Blue (I Can't Afford Healthcare)

I Piss Red I Shit White I Bleed Blue – USA Sticker 

Just Another Day in the American Healthcare System™

If you’re looking for a sticker that screams “USA” with the same energy as a bald eagle flying into a fireworks stand—you found it.

“I Piss Red I Shit White I Bleed Blue (I Can’t Afford Healthcare to Get This Checked Out)” is the USA sticker for patriots who are down catastrophically bad—but still wouldn’t change a thing except maybe their deductible.

It’s a tribute to freedom, failing organs, and the red-blooded delusion that everything’s fine, actually.

This is not a sticker. It’s a cry for help, printed on vinyl and sold as merch for medically neglected legends.

Why This USA Sticker Exists (God Help Us)

You’ve seen “Don’t Tread On Me.”
You’ve seen “God Guns Guts Glory.”
But have you seen visceral internal damage combined with patriotic fervor so intense it’s literally hemorrhaging?

Now you have.

This USA sticker is built for:

• Truck drivers who haven’t been to a doctor since Bush was in office (either one)

• People who confuse patriotism with untreated anemia

• Guys who eat raw hot dogs and call it keto

• Survivors of 3 broken bones and 0 urgent care visits

• People who say “I don't trust doctors” while snorting a Zyn

• Anyone who proudly displays the American flag and a GoFundMe link in their bio

Features – Designed for Vehicles and Medical Bills

• Size: 8.5" x 2.5"

• Material: Commercially printed, weatherproof vinyl

• Finish: Semi-gloss, like your forehead after taking expired antibiotics

• Sticker Version: Permanent—like your pre-existing condition

• Magnet (20 mil): Reusable—like your dad’s pain meds

• Magnet Upgrade (30 mil): Cold-resistant—unlike your immune system

Each funny sticker is printed by a small business that proudly offers no health insurance either. Solidarity.

Where to Slap This Sticker

• Bumper of your uninsured daily driver

• Back window of your van/home combo

• Fridge covered in expired condiments

• Laptop you bought with your last stimmy

• Wheelchair you got on Craigslist

• Emergency room parking pass (if you're lucky)

This USA sticker belongs anywhere freedom is screaming and your appendix might be too.

Sticker vs. Magnet – Choose Your Copay

Sticker (Permanent):

• For those who ride or die (mostly die)

• Bonds like your cholesterol to your arteries

Magnet (20 mil):

• Swappable for checkups (just kidding)

• Perfect if you're between vehicles and insurance

Magnet Upgrade (30 mil):

• Stronger than your last pulse ox reading

• Winter-proof and Medicare-ineligible

Note: Magnets won’t cling to plastic bumpers—try the trunk, side panels, or anything with metal (unlike your bones).

Application Instructions – We Can’t Help You But Here’s This

Sticker:

1. Clean the surface (use whatever’s not Windex)

2. Peel and slap it like a bill you’re gonna ignore

3. Rub it down like you’re trying to diagnose your own rash

4. Let it bake in the sun while you webMD “internal bleeding”

Magnet:

1. Slap it

2. Laugh at your own pain

3. Drive to nowhere (healthcare not included)

FAQ – Frequently Asked (And Avoided) Questions

Is this waterproof?

Yep. It’s more prepared for life than your gallbladder.

Will this make people honk?

Yes, but not in support. Out of fear and secondhand pain.

Is this a joke?

Only until your next ER visit.

Can I gift this?

Yes, especially if your buddy thinks WebMD is socialist.

Why Buy This USA Sticker?

Because you’ve already maxed out 3 credit cards on vet bills—for yourself.
Because you think “Obamacare” is a slur.
Because your blood type is ‘Merican.

This funny sticker doesn’t just reflect your reality—it screams it into traffic.
It’s the most patriotic sticker we’ve ever made, and also the most likely to cause concern at red lights.

You're not broken—you're just living the American dream on borrowed time and stolen Wi-Fi.

Final Words From a Hospital Parking Lot

“I Piss Red I Shit White I Bleed Blue” is what happens when patriotism goes unchecked—and so does your liver.

This isn’t a political statement. It’s a biological one.
It’s what happens when pride, pain, and deductibles collide.

Buy it.
Slap it.
Then go lay down for a minute.

You’ve earned it, champ.

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Sizing:
-Rectangular (bumper sticker) designs are approx. 8.5 x 2.5 inches
-Die-cuts are typically 3–4 inches
-Handmade! Sizing may vary slightly.

Materials:
-Premium all-weather vinyl
-Waterproof, smudge-proof, fade-proof, car wash safe
-Apocalypse-resistant

Magnets:
-Standard magnets are 20 mil thick.
-Upgrade to 30 mil - recommended for cold climates or aggressive winds.

Shipping:
-Ships in 1–3 business days from Washington
-We ship worldwide
-Free shipping available. Note that free third-party shipping is only trackable via EasyPost link in shipping confirmation. See Shop FAQs for more.

❗ DISCLAIMERS:

Mockups:
Mockup images are not to scale. May be larger in images for viewability. Colors may vary slightly.

Application Disclaimer:
-We can't offer refunds for application to textured/plastic/dirty surfaces or poor application practices.
-Frog Mustard products work best on a glossy/smooth, clean, dry surface, road, and car tested. You assume the risk if you apply to a weird surface.

Air Bubbles (Magnets):
Small air bubbles under magnets are normal and usually disappear with time/heat.

Magnet Compatibility:
Many modern car bumpers are plastic and won’t hold magnets — try your trunk, doors, or side panels instead. Test a magnet on your car before purchasing. We cannot refund for those that do not check.

Longevity:
While our materials are built to last, extreme weather or improper surface prep can shorten product life.

Duplicates (Mystery/Misprints): Mystery and misprint packs may include duplicates. That’s part of the gamble. Misprints are subject to what is on hand that has been misprinted. If you do not want duplicates, buy a non-misprinted bundle.

Design Ownership:
All designs are original and created for humor/novelty. Parody and satire are protected speech.

No Custom Orders via Notes:
We can’t honor custom requests left in order notes for non-custom products. Please contact us before purchasing.

Stolen or Lost Mail:
Once your package is marked delivered, we unfortunately can’t replace lost or stolen mail. Please ensure your shipping address is correct and secure.